Building a Strong and Lasting Relationship for Married Couples with Aaron Larson

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Interview Transcription

ADRIENNE: 
Welcome back. And thanks for listening to the Team Lally Real Estate show home of the guaranteed sold program or we’ll buy it. I’m Adrienne and I’m still Attilio and if you have any questions, just give us a call at 7999596 or check us out online at Teamlally.com. Hey,

ATTILIO: 
if you’re just tuning in quick reminder, go to our website Teamlally.com. And you can find out what your home is worth takes less than two minutes. And you’re not going to have to you know have any pesky calls from an agent. It’s all all self contained on that website. hit the send button boom you get a price right back.

ADRIENNE: 
our guest today is the SELF, S E L F Program Manager at Keiki O Ka ‘Aina Family Learning Centers. He has worked with the youth and young adults for more than 25 years all over the world.

ATTILIO:
He is also a pastor, podcaster and former on air radio personality. He collects vinyl records and enjoys spending time with his family. Please welcome our guest Aaron Larson. Hey, Aaron.

AARON: 
Hey, hey, how’s it going?

ATTILIO: 
Good. All right, so welcome

ADRIENNE: 
back. Aaron has been on our show before Yeah. Other with their many other programs. Yeah, but today,

AARON: 
yeah, yeah, gracious. And let me come on and let people know what we’re doing to help off the community.

ATTILIO: 
Yeah, you know, people are like Keiki O Ka ‘Aina, Keiki O Ka ‘Aina. Yeah, that sounds that sounds familiar. There. You guys are on that. Ty Pennington right. The extreme makeover show.

AARON: 
Yeah, Extreme Makeover. Yeah, they come out they came up and redid the grounds for us.

ATTILIO: 
And my kids are kind of gone through Keiki O Ka ‘Aina too. So a lot of learning opportunities and supporting the young parents or parents with young kids in the community. And now you guys are expanding out to couples. Tell us about that.

AARON: 
Yeah, so we actually are doing our Healthy Marriages Healthy Relationships Program. We did it a few years ago, a little bit different setup than, but we were able to get another grant. And we wanted to, especially in this time, where you know, life’s a little crazy coming out of this world pandemic. Lots of just normal pressures on not on just married couples or people in relationships and people with kids. So we wanted to make sure that we are strengthening and just really being a resource to reconnect people after just a weird weird time. So yeah, so we’re up and running our healthy marriages weekend.

ATTILIO: 
All right. And what?

ADRIENNE: 
So Aaron, with all these benefits with the healthy marriages and relationships, weekend, how much does something like this costs?

AARON: 
Everything is free. There is a $25 registration fee just to hold your spot. We just want to make sure that we know that things come up. And so if you connect with us, you can get a hold of us at healthymarriages@koka.org. Email us we’ll give you all the information. But yeah, it’s a $25 non refundable registration fee it holds your spot and if something comes up in the emergency, you can always contact us and we can work that out. But that’s it. And you get a full weekend of great content, great connect with your partner. And some Oh, no food as well.

ATTILIO: 
Yeah. koka.org.

ADRIENNE: 
So, with this upcoming one, you what you have one at the end of July? Yeah. How many spaces are left in that particular training?

AARON: 
Yeah, so we have a handful of spaces, I would say we have between maybe five and seven spaces would maybe put us to capacity. So we have, we have a couple of open, it’s just around the corner that’s coming up July 28 29th. And the 30th. That Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We do have two more this year, one in September, on the 22nd 23rd and 24th. And then one in November on the fourth, third, fourth, and fifth. But hey, you know, once you start hitting that fall area, especially November holidays, get crazy. It would be wonderful if people are interested. Hey, you know what? Email us today? As soon as you hear this? Yeah. And what information to register oh,

ATTILIO: 
what’s your couples expect to walk away from attending this weekend? This event?

AARON: 
Yeah, you know what, they are going to have an amazing time of reconnecting and strengthening the foundation of their friendship. So I’ve been married 23 years, we’ve got three kids, almost all of them grown not out of the house yet. But that’s the way it is. But they’re growing up. And so you know, we can get caught up in the daily routine of just living life, right? Especially when there’s a lot of pressures and crazy stuff going on. We just kind of need a chance to Hey, can I get away from it all? Can I reconnect with my partner with my spouse. And so people are gonna walk away with that awesome connection, a light feeling and the tools and resources to continue to connect deeper and deeper not just with your partner, but if you have keiki we’re actually gonna give you some valuable tools to help connect as a full Ohana as well.

ADRIENNE: 
Yeah. So Aaron, this training is a Friday, Saturday and Sunday. What are the hours and just like, what can they expect to to happen during this weekend? Yep.

AARON: 
Yeah, it’s like a little, it’s like a little mini staycation you don’t stay overnight, but you get it step out of the world for those hours that you are with us. So on Friday, July 28, we are going to be having check in or registration at 530 will start amazing dinner for you at 6pm. And then we will end the night at 830. You’ll be driving home by 830. On Saturday, that’s an all day affair. Registration or I should say check in I should say on Saturday is around eight o’clock, 830. We’ll give you a light continental breakfast, we’ll start we’ll feed your lunch around noon, and then we’ll be done with everything by 430. And then Sunday. We know a lot of people have their Sunday weekend routine. So we want to make sure that you can kind of keep in that. So we’ll start at actually checking in around 1230, 1 o’clock give you another wonderful lunch. And we’ll be ending around 4:35pm on that Sunday.

ATTILIO: 
Gotcha. What any favorite healthy marriage weekend memories, what’s one that stands out for you?

AARON: 
Oh, yeah, there are so many. I had to pick just one I’ll do the one that really pops to mind is just last month at our last healthy marriages weekend, we had a great group. And we had a couple that had been together for three years. And then another couple that had been together for 30 years. So just having that span of time in those relationships and to hear them interacting with one another. And with the group. I walked away learning so much from these couples that come in, and just really great nuggets of wisdom, both from the one that was only together three years and the one that was together for 30 years. The amazing part wasn’t what sticks out to me, though, is the couple that was together for 30 years, their kids are all grown up, they’ve moved off the island. And one of the couple had just recently retired. So their spouse was saying, You know what? I’m not used to having him around all the time. Usually at work, he comes back and now we have to learn how to reengage and have different conversations because he’s here all the time. Yeah. And their marriage was solid like they had they had great connects great communication. But you know what, they’re entering a new season of their life. And I just I’m so blown away that that they were I guess I would use the word humble enough to just come in and say, hey, you know what, we got a strong marriage. You know, we raised our kids, we raised our family, but in the new season, we just need a refresher. Let’s, let’s see how else we can connect, where we can reconnect and just build from there. It was really inspiring,

ATTILIO: 
I think. Yeah, that’s the key to learning and growth. Humility. Yeah. Yep.

ADRIENNE: 
So Aaron, we had talked about the curriculum. On our Friday live, let’s share with the listeners a little bit. Like where is this content coming from?

AARON: 
Yeah, so all of our curriculum. So it’s evidence based, and it is based on the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. So this book has been around, I would venture to guess if listeners went to their bookshelf right now they can probably find an old dusty copy somewhere on their bookshelf. So it’s been around for a long time. The amazing piece about it is this is that what Dr. Gottman did is instead of looking at what couples weren’t doing right, they decided to do a study on what were couples actually successful in. And so and they discovered that through that you had so many different personality styles and interactions, you had some, I guess what you’d call quote, unquote, loud communicators, I guess we call them yellers, but still had a healthy marriage because they were okay with the way they communicated. So they did all this study, I think there are over 30 years of research is has gone into this curriculum. And so what we’re using is we’re using their curriculum that’s based on that Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. And we’re taking that in and we’re gonna look at how you can deepen your connection in the friendship area, we’re gonna look at communication, how to actively listen, how to make what we call deposits into a person’s emotional bank account, right? And we’re also gonna look at conflict resolution, how to set goals and dream big together, right? A lot of couples that think get married, and they just kind of get into the routine of life, and they don’t really have a goal or a mission for their marriage. And you know, what, if you don’t know where you’re going, you’re not going to get there. You might go all over the place, you might have some fun, but you got to have a vision and a picture in mind. And we give couples the opportunity to actually create that and live into it.

ATTILIO: 
I think the most people’s training after marriage, on how to improve communication is the Seinfeld episodes, the loud talker, soft talker, and the close talker. They watched those episodes and like we got it. No, that’s not how it works. Gottman. Dr. Gottman, he’s been I’ve heard his name many, many times. He’s like, the guru of research and gathering data and seeing healthy marriages and what it takes to have those ease. He’s I think he’s even referred to by a lot of marriage counselors, you know, they have they’ve certainly had his book on their back shelf in that therapy room. Yeah, most definitely. Yeah. So I think

AARON: 
what he’s done so well, too. Yeah. And what they’ve done so well is this is that they really lay it out and are just very pointed and straightforward about it. Actually, within his book even says that he now we can’t do this with our healthy marriage retreat. But he has a professional that he is with all the research says that he can predict whether a couple will be together or not, within the first maybe I want to say between five and 10 minutes within like 80 to 90% accuracy. But he also tagged this on it. But that doesn’t mean the couple is too far gone. All they need to do is make some really small and I want to stress this small adjustment within their relationship. And guess what? They can turn that right around?

ATTILIO: 
Yeah, that’s what he was saying. If things stay the same 80 to 90% chance will work out. But if you’re willing to be open to change, yeah,

ADRIENNE:
so on that note is a weekend like this only for the couples that are struggling?

AARON: 
Absolutely not. Like I said, That couple that had been together for 30 years, they had a wonderful marriage, a great relationship, they were just in a new season. So this is designed for some of the couples that hey, maybe you need just a little tweak, maybe a little tender, loving care to kind of have a safe place to work on yourself first, and then work on your relationship with your partner at the same time. Or, hey, maybe you’re doing amazing, but she just kind of say, Hey, we’re stepping into a new season, let’s do a little reconnect a little, a little adjustment, right, tighten the chain, you know, Polish some stuff up. And I really encourage couples who are who are doing great to attend as well, for a couple of reasons. One, you’re going to learn something new, that’s only going to make your relationship or your marriage stronger, you’re going to have more fun. This is just it’s going to happen. But the other reason is this, that you can be a wonderful example for others, to understand that you don’t have to seek help. When you’re at the point of stress you can keep and maintain your relationship throughout the course of your marriage. And it’s just a wonderful thing to see.

ATTILIO: 
Now what the one of the big suggestions that you had was that if you go to this event If it’s for you to point at your other significant other and say, See, you need to change. No. No,

AARON: 
yeah, it’d be the other way around. You’re right. Yeah. Yeah. Because again, we’re so great at, you know, taking other people’s inventory. Like I could sit here, and probably tell you all the things that my wife needs to change, right. But what one of our former managers for this healthy marriages program used to say this, hey, when you’re pointing your finger at somebody else, you have three fingers pointing back at you. And so you know what, this is not an opportunity to kind of throw your partner, your spouse under the bus, this is an opportunity for you to take a wonderful look at yourself is to say, Hey, man, I got to humble out I got some things to work on. And guess what? When you work on your stuff, it translates to a deeper connection with your partner, your spouse.

ATTILIO: 
Yeah, you know what I had a quote in the beginning of the show, and it was the more I value myself, the more of what I give is valuable. So starts with you. Absolutely. Yeah.

ADRIENNE: 
So So Aaron, who isn’t this weekend for? Is there anyone that maybe should not be attending?

AARON: 
Yeah, no, that’s a great question. Obviously, we want it to be open to everybody. It’s designed for married couples, couples, and long term relationships. If you’re engaged, and you’re at that point, this would be a great opportunity for you to come. If, however, you’re at the point where you know what your what I would say, in a toxic or abusive relationship, this weekend is not for you. If you’re at a point where you know, you need to step into some kind of professional counseling. This weekend wouldn’t be for you. I think that would be the only parameters.

ATTILIO: 
I think this comedian said once you know, ah, my wife, I love her to death. I’d never thought of divorce. Murder, maybe? Never. Yeah, I mean, serious on a serious note, if you’re at that point, right? Because you guys are it’s kind of like, you know, taking a college course on how to fix your fix your car? No, if the engine just dropped out of the bottom of the car, you need to take it to the shop. And that’s going to be professional cars. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Not Not you guys are doing the tune up. Not the major a major overhaul.

AARON: 
There you go. Yeah.

ATTILIO: 
So um, and people always ask, I have little kids, some keiki. Childcare, no childcare.

AARON:
Unfortunately, this time around, we are not able to provide childcare. So that’ll be something that the couples and families will have to arrange beforehand. Maybe in the future, if we get another grant to do it, but unfortunately, not for this one. And so that reminds me actually, if you go to the website @koka.org, you’re gonna find a link that says healthy marriages, I just want to give people a heads up that, that the content of what we cover is correct. But the format is actually our, our old format. So we are working quickly to actually change that. So the best way to get the information and to register is to email us at healthymarriages@koka.org. And we will get you the information that you need. Or you can call us at our office 8432502. You can ask for Aaron. And I can get you set up and ready to go as well.

ATTILIO: 
I want to point out to our listeners, come on. These guys are a not for profit organization. They’re not webmasters. But they provide an excellent program. So don’t don’t let what you see on the website this or don’t use it as an excuse not to go because it’s not the current curriculum. Yeah, hearing it now. All you got to do is send an email, you get the most accurate information spots are filling up, because you can’t take everybody because it’s a beautiful location to like, right on the ocean. Yeah.

AARON: 
Yeah, so we just we have a great opportunity that Grace Chapel of Honolulu is allowing us to rent out their space and use this beautiful ocean view, air conditioned location. It’s great. And it really is, I don’t know, you know, people out there who’ve done maybe a little mini staycation there is something interesting about pulling into a parking lot, stepping out of your car and you do feel like you’re stepping out of the chaos of your world. And that’s exactly how this location field is. It’s in Kalaniana’ole only again, we will send you that information when people register get you set up. But yeah, it is just it’s a it’s beautiful. It’s breathtaking. And it really just sets a backdrop for really what people are going to experience during this weekend.

ATTILIO: 
I would give a tip to the people that are going What do you agent What do you think would be my number one tip so the people that are going

ADRIENNE: 
to take notes, bring a notebook, take notes,

ATTILIO: 
you know You guys are gonna have workbooks and stuff like that and exercises, but I was thinking of something else

ADRIENNE: 
to take action to actually do what you’re learning. Don’t just like be out we call it Don’t be an ask. Don’t be an askhole. Yeah.

ATTILIO: 
Tell people what you just said to be bit.

ADRIENNE: 
It’s a s k. So like you’re always asking, but then you don’t actually apply it. So apply what you learn this weekend. Yes,

ATTILIO: 
here’s make a difference here would be my tip. We’re in an age where we are so digitally connected, that we’re disconnected. So I would challenge all of you, I don’t know if there’s going to be a thing that you guys have there when people show up. But put the phones away, leave them in the car, leave them in the car, turn them off, the world is not going to implode over the weekend. If something’s happening with your kids, I hope that you leaving them with somebody that you trust that’s going to take care of it and be present. I used to teach a motorcycle riding class at the University at the Leeward Community College and I said, we’re going to be on the range. So unless you are working on matters of national security, or you’re some kind of organ transplant surgeon, leave your phone in the classroom, we’re gonna go learn how to ride a motorcycle and I need you 100% present so we don’t get into an accident. What better reason to be present into the 100% there for that significant other because that right, you said it’s a challenge when you get back out in the real world? up this weekend? Yeah,

AARON: 
yeah. Yeah. And you know what, and that’s such a great point, too, because we’re so used to doing what I bet a lot of us are used to getting home from work. Yeah, maybe saying hi to our partner sitting down, and then our phones up, we’re on social media, we’re checking the news, we’re following the hurricane, whatever it would be right. And we can I mean, I opened up my phone sometimes. And then I look at the clock. And I’m like, it’s been like half an hour, like, where did the time go? And that’s a half an hour that I could have been connecting with my wife, or my kids. And we get sucked into that. So yeah, absolutely, you know, leave the phones in the car, put them on silent. And the great part is, is we have such great interactions, not just for the couples one on one, but as a group that we’ve actually seen. Friendships, lifelong friendships, I’ll even say formed out of these groups, where we have some groups still on a text thread together and still meeting up for barbecues and dinners.

ATTILIO: 
Yeah. You want to you want to have a good life be around like minded people. Adrienne, you were say something so.

ADRIENNE: 
So Aaron, I know that we talked a little bit about the website needing to be updated. I do want to encourage our listeners to go to the website, because not only is there you know, this healthy marriages class, there’s so many other resources and other classes. You have one for the Healthy Teen relationships. And both of my teens have completed that training. And they both enjoyed it. It was it was super helpful for them.

ATTILIO: 
Yeah, it was it was that Zoom kind. That’s even better. We we miss Aaron in person. Do you teach me Yeah. Do you teach that class?

AARON: 
Yes, I do. That’s another one that I facilitate both healthy marriage. And when we get when we get that healthy teams run rolling? Yeah, hopefully that’s coming up soon. But we’re gonna that’ll be in person, I’ll be one of the one of the facilitators there

ATTILIO: 
as well. And that’s what’s awesome is, is now people got to wear like, they got to wear shorts and pants now because they’re not doing it on Zoom.

ADRIENNE: 
But I would just say, you know, check, check back on their website for all the different resources and programs. Obviously, this one is coming up soon. And, you know, we want to encourage our listeners to sign up. But you know, just keep up with that, who

ATTILIO: 
might have plans and are traveling you might be off Island. I’m gonna tell you right now, you know, whatever’s happened in Vegas is not going to be as important as this weekend. So maybe you should rearrange the Vegas strip, but they still got to go to Vegas, you still got two more dates. So I highly recommend that. You guys come together because time block for this. I think the personal relationship is something that creates the fabric of our societies and makes life better for everybody. So thank you for doing

AARON: 
Yeah, it really does, too. Yeah, and that’s one of the again, one of the reasons because obviously, or maybe not obvious for some people Keiki O Ka ‘Aina, we started out early childhood education, we want to give the parents the most resources and support they can possibly have. And so what’s wonderful is after, I think it’s over 25 years now Keiki O Ka ‘Aina has been going and growing, pouring into families that we’re now seeing actual the kids that were in our preschool 20 years ago, are now taking the healthy marriages. In fact, one couple again last healthy marriages. I asked him Hey, so how did you hear about Healthy Marriages, they said, Oh, we still get the Keiki O Ka ‘Aina email newsletter. All of our kids are already think their youngest just turned 21. And she said yeah, but we never unsigned up for it. So we saw it come through. And we saw this as a great opportunity. And they shown up. So, you know, we want to make sure we’re hitting all generations strengthening every part of the family and just trying to to give as many resources and support, you know, that we can because it’s not just information, there’s relationship at every level of Keiki O Ka ‘Aina that you are going to find no matter what program you step into early childhood, education, board and stone, it doesn’t matter, we are going to be connecting with you and supporting you, as well as giving you tools and resources to help every part of your family every age, every stage,

ATTILIO: 
nice and Keiki O Ka ‘Aina, you know, translates the children of the land. So that’s where, where society starts in the home.

ADRIENNE:
So Aaron, we are wrapping up our show, but we want to just thank you for coming back again and sharing with our listeners, these important programs and resources. And

ATTILIO: 
thank you to your community and your commitment to our community by being in this position and teaching this and just being a great giver.

ADRIENNE: 
Giver’s gain

AARON: 
well. Hey, you don’t thank you. Thank you guys for having me on. I always love talking to you guys. And thank you for for helping us get the message out and not just us. You guys have a lot of people on your show that are helping out the community. And you guys were doing your part to keep all of us connected. And we very much appreciate you guys for doing that as well.

ADRIENNE: 
All right. Thank you, Aaron. Thank you. Alright, Aloha.

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